Impregnable individuality
Building a strong individuality is crucial to be a balanced, efficient and happy person. It makes you worthy as a person, interesting, and able to impact the world. But for those without the tools and weapons to defend it, their individuality will go away or mitigate at the first confrontation. At that moment it becomes up for grabs, anyone wielding enough aggression or manipulation will take it away. You can’t let that happen since it’s your most valued possession. The strongest countries and powers in the world are built around a common culture and a single belief: protecting that culture is worth dying for.
At the individual level that protection is called identity. You will encounter people in life whose goal is to strip you of that individuality, as they see an opportunity to use you, thus diverting you from your goals. When you are a strong individual you have put individuality at the center of your life, then you’re going to be driven, you will have principles, values. All of this makes you a very positive person to be around for certain types of people, but for others, it may be the opposite, as you become less malleable, not easy to move around, cumbersome. Your independence and agency need protection but the only person who can protect those is you. One look around yourself and you will see numerous individuals who have allowed external forces, such as companies, ideologies, and media, to shape their identities, turning them into unwitting puppets or slaves.
First tool: know yourself. Most just skim the surface of their own self and don’t dig deeper because the are scared to face it, lazy to do the work, or don’t even think of looking because their identity has been injected with some pre-made ideology. It’s like someone grafted an extra appendix onto them and their body hasn’t rejected it, not realizing it was a foreign entity in the first place. Knowing yourself is crucial because you can’t defend something that’s being subverted from you if you don’t know what is being subverted. The person who knows you the best is actually you. It’s very romantic to say that your partner knows you even better, but that’s not a normal state — it has to be you. Having portions of yourself that you keep only for yourself doesn’t make you a liar, it’s totally human to have a personal garden.
So work on knowing yourself, psycho-analyze yourself, do talk therapy, take any chance you get to become fluent in yourself. That is the most important language you can speak. If you become your own best friend, you will never be alone again. It doesn’t mean you won’t seek the company of others, but when you are in that company you will be that much conformable and confident. You want to understand everything that revolves in and around your head and body, all of that is your universe and excitingly vast. However, you have to do the terrifying work of looking at the galaxy and realizing you have to explore it all on your own terms. You might discover things when you are with or around others, but you aren’t actually discovering — you are confirming things you have already discovered by yourself. You confront your individuality to theirs and something you already knew comes up, you just sign it off.
You test that identity around other people, you project your identity through an expression called a personality. You will see children, and teenagers in particular, putting their identity to the test. They will tend to go through phases or cycles of personalities: they are looking for the personality that will be the most palatable to others and the one most comfortable for them. This is why trends and fashions emerge. It’s not a problem unless you become stuck, failing to recognize that this sifting process is just a part of refining your personality.
At times, you may encounter individuals who struggle with group rejection of their personality. In some cases it will lead to social rejects developing symptoms of social anxiety who will have a tough time becoming whole and productive. In other cases, it can give rise to strong-willed individuals who toughen themselves up to the point of developing an incredibly robust and attractive personality. The feedback you receive should aim to help you feel at home within yourself — You don’t construct your identity solely for others, but you do want it to have the capacity to connect with them.
The essence of defending your identity implies that you’re putting it at risk by engaging with others. It’s effortless to uphold your identity when you’re alone. You can’t whimsically define your identity subjectively, by yourself, at any given moment. It’s when you confront your identity in public that you discover if it’s truly made of the good stuff or cardboard. The internet has made easy for people to fantasize their life and live a dream identity of sorts. You will see a lot of people who exude strength online but crumble in face-to-face interactions. And in social settings, you need a key to safeguard your identity.
The most important key: the boundary. A wall set up to protect the identity. And it is as strong as your commitment to it. It’s a tough as your mental strength. And yes people will think that you are inflexible and stubborn but that’s exactly what you expect of a wall. The only danger is if you surround yourself with so many walls that now can’t move anymore and people can’t see you. For the people who want to fuck with your boundaries: firstly, if they intend to harm you, they’ll only harm themselves against the brick; secondly, if they aim to ascertain your worthiness as a friend, ally, or partner, they’ll realize your sturdiness. If a boundary fails, you appear weak. Having a boundary fall in the face of others, especially if they break it down themselves is catastrophic because they know they can do it again. Each subsequent wall you raise will be met with skepticism and diminished power. You may find yourself in situations where you must choose between protecting your boundary and potentially upsetting others. Always opt for the former. When you allow a boundary to fail, you also teach yourself that you are weak, you reinforce a cycle of destructive behavior. It makes it more likely that you’ll let it happen again in the future, having done so once before.
A strong sense of identity projects a robust personality, acting as an emissary of your inner castle. This aura naturally draws like-minded, benevolent individuals who will contribute to your growth and strength rather than stealing your resources. It radiates a core of authenticity that really shines and captivates many, making it an attractive target for those who covet it’s rare and precious. Some will even see it as a challenge, luring in psychopathic personalities intent on snuffing that flame out just to see if it’s even worth anything. They will push your buttons, see if you are willing to negotiate, to compromise your individuality for them. They don’t really care about your objective nature they just want to see if they can get you to change. To see, again, if you were strong to start with or if it was all bullshit. You can’t even get angry at that because it’s just their real nature — on the other hand, you suck if you allow the bridge to go down. And they will leave — plot twist — because it’s the only “test” they needed. The manipulation they employ is very pernicious but the end result remains same: they leave you broken down.
As you walk with this identity into the world and attract people (as this strength is inherently attractive), it’s important to recognize that not every person you feel a mutual attraction with will necessarily be a good match. People will knock on the door but not every one of them deserves to be let inside the boundaries. It’s perfectly OK to decline certain connections if you sense they may pose a danger to your identity. This may lead to more time spent in solitude, but eventually, you will encounter your people.
The right people are the ones to enter the kingdom and add to the treasure. There are people like that in this world — you meet and you intuitively understand. Their pure identity will meet your pure identity, blending and intertwining not to dilute, but to form a larger collective. They understand that keeping you as an ally is a far better choice than pillaging you. They will respect the walls and wait for the bridge, as they themselves possess seated boundaries and understand their purpose. The wrong people get upset when you stipulate your boundaries and they attempt to negotiate around them. The wrong people and collectives want to create a melting soup where the differences fade — that is a toxic group. It’s either ruled by a tyrant or destined to collapse. And when that collapse happens, you are doomed as well because you decided to subscribe to that group, you allow it to provide you with the boundaries and now it’s all gone. The right collectives recognize we are stronger when each individual identity within the group are kept alive, it’s a pot where every single ingredient retains its independent flavor.
The right people value your strength because it not only protects them but also provides you with the emotional wealth to support them. In times of crisis or trauma, you will be able to open your doors and welcome them in and they will know they will be protected. Boundaries can expand around others as well. Walls can be put around those that you love. They can even encompass concepts, ideas. It all begins with building strength within yourself and then expanding outward. It doesn’t work the other way around: too many hippies think they will change the world and spark the revolution but they can’t defend themselves in the first place, meaning they are useless — you want to be of use to others? develop your identity, own you individuality.
This is how we reduce parasitic manipulation to almost nothing and create communities around ourselves, kingdoms with our peers, and really strong systems with the ones we love.